I haven’t written anything for months because I was focused on my new career as a freelance hair and makeup artist. I did it because I wanted to pursue my passion. I loved making people feel more beautiful about themselves. I also loved to teach, share my knowledge, that’s why I had several free makeup workshops.
All of these in real life entails money. I believed that money will follow if you did good. And for months, it was true. Sometimes I felt like I’m so zero already, then miracles happen, I get a new client the next day, and voila, I survive another day.
SURVIVAL. This became my daily thing. I needed to survive. But then, I also get TIRED.
I feel like I’ve been running and running. I feel EXHAUSTED.
Then I ask myself, WHY? Why is this happening to me when all I wanted was to do something good? How come I’m going through this chaos now?
CHAOS. It’s the thing happening in my mind, in how I feel. It kills me. It keeps on telling me that I’ve FAILED. After months, I’m still not on track. Not on my targets.
FAILURE. The thing I’m scared the most. I hate to let down people I love. I hate being down.
So DEATH. Death has been in my mind for quite sometime now. How do I orchestrate my death. How should I take my life?
Then one day, I heard in a motivational video about DEATH. It’s okay to die. To kill your old self to make way to a better you. It’s killing the actions or vices or things that hold you down.
For now, I say, let my thinking of “I can control everything” die.
I accept now, I need God. I need to look up to someone who has the only control of everything.
Only God can control everything.
Let this failure and death be a way to reborn a better me.